Thought 1.



A new beginning. So it seems. I have returned from what feels like a long slumber. And within that sleep I kept seeing the same image of a woman over and over. Diamonds, carved like daggers... Feathered wings... Took me a little to realize that I kept dreaming about her. The one I was certain forgot all about me. I almost gave up. And to be honest, I wanted to. I figured that if it took me this long to find her, perhaps she didn't want to be found. Images of her with somebody else, possibly with children seeped into my heart. Though it pained me through and through, if she was happy... Than that is all I could ask for.

One night I went to The Tether with the plan of drinking until every last memory of her washed away. I wasn't even on my second drink when a very hauntingly familiar voice spoke to me. I looked up to see what I thought was a ghost or perhaps a mirage. But it was her. She didn't believe me, thinking I was some impostor. Which is a very flattering thought, to think somebody might actually want to be me. And in true Ezzy form, she fought me, solidifying the fact that I really wasn't dreaming this. That she was, in fact, right in front of me.

I don't know what is to happen next. It has been so long. But for now it's like we are picking up where we left off. I am scared to wake up from this very elaborate dream I find myself in. I'm not expecting it to be like it was. But I would be lying if I said that isn't exactly what I wanted...



Thought 2.



I couldn't help it. I honestly wanted to do it as soon as I saw her again in that bar. It was something that I would dream about constantly. Every time it was different. But when it came time, when I was absolutely sure that it was the right time... I couldn't have done it more perfectly. She's my whole world. She always has been. When things got crazy, she was always there to guide me back from the brink. Even when she wasn't around and I didn't have a clue where she was... She was like my north star in the distance. I know that is so fucking poetic and romantic of me... But it is and has always been the truth.



Thought 3.



28:06:42:12...Wake up, Donnie...



Thought 4.



Ezzy is convinced that I am the one to blame when it comes to my "hallucinations". She says it's my mind that is playing tricks on me. Maybe she's right. But a small bit of me believes that I will never fix myself. That this is how I will always live. Tortured and Disturbed.



Thought 5.



Haven't seen her in awhile, which is fine because I am sure she is out running around somewhere. It has given me time to think about what exactly is wrong with me. It's amusing that I really think that there is something 'wrong'. I have the feeling that maybe nothing is wrong. Maybe this is who I am. If I could just have somebody to talk to...



Thought 6.



Some time has passed since I have last written. Still no sign of her. It's funny. I don't remember much of my childhood but I do remember this one story my mother told me. About the sun and the moon. He loved her so much that he died every night to let her breathe. But of course they had decided fates, and could never be together completely. Every now and then he would catch a glimpse of her starting to glow in the night sky, surrounded by stars. But he would always sink into the horizon, weak and weary, unable to stay with her. Sometimes it feels like that. Like we always miss each other in our own separate skies...



Thought 7.



I'm on the edge now. He wants me to jump, grinning as he convinces me. He says it'll be worth it. I'm starting to think that he's right. He knows me better than anyone else. If there was anyone who knows what's best for me... It would be him.



Thought 8.



I'm baaack... And it looks like this pickle Donnie has got himself into has only made it that much easier to prolong my stay.



Thought 9.



Divided. We are finally divided. And what's worse is I kind of miss having somebody to argue with. I heard he is doing alright. I even heard he got himself a girl already. Doesn't surprise me. He has a way with words. And here I am waiting for what feels like a ghost. Though she is not dead, she certainly does haunt me...



Thought 10.



Waiting seems to be the only thing I can do anymore. Social interaction is hard and I lost the desire to meet anyone new. i don't even feel lonely anymore. I'm just. Here. Which in my mind is more maddening than having somebody to miss.



Thought 11.



Days seem to blur together as they used to years ago. I honestly don't know how much longer I can take this endless fog. I wish I could just rip this thing out of my chest and get a new one... Like changing a car battery or something. Maybe then I can finally function like a human being.



Thought 12.



I saw her. At least I think I did. She wasn't herself and she kept saying that I am in danger. Maybe it was a dream. Who knows. I don't feel anything. I should be looking out for myself if what she said was true. But I don't care enough to do that.



Thought 13.



Giving up. There is no point in trying to revitalize it. We tried so hard to turn this dead thing into a living, beautiful relationship. You can resurrect it for so many times before it loses its magic. I know I will always have a place for her and if i ever did see her with somebody else it probably will kill me. But until then I don't want to walk around like it already has. I'm through with this. Done. I know I'm probably making the biggest mistake of my life. But this is one road I haven't traveled down and I am DYING to. Please.



Thought 14.



"I don't know where I'm at

I'm standing at the back

And I'm tired of waiting

Waiting here in line, hoping that I'll find what I've been chasing.



I shot for the sky

I'm stuck on the ground

So why do I try, I know I'm gonna fall down

I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?

Never know why it's coming down, down, down.



Not ready to let go

Cause then I'd never know

What I could be missing

But I'm missing way too much

So when do I give up what I've been wishing for.



...I can't find another way around

And I don't want to hear the sound, of losing what I never found..."



I'm so sorry, Ez...



Thought 15.



A new life it seems... Although I do feel like a different person, there are still a lot of ties to my old life. I don't think I'm quite strong enough to sever them yet. If I keep going like this, will I ever be strong enough? Loneliness has subsided but not entirely. When I'm alone at night, I find my mind drifts back to her and those tender memories of the times in the woods... But that is all they are. Memories. If I don't forget them soon, I surely will be missing out on happiness...

Thought 16.

Haven't seen her in a few weeks. Why does this happen? Every time. It never fails. I suppose that is the irony of the situation. Good thing is I finally connected with Braedan after a long time of wondering if I ever could. Bad thing is that he has finally found happiness and I refuse to impede on that. Looks like I'll be on my own through this. Which is fine. I'm used to it.