Before

Thought 1

Sometimes it's hard for me to believe that this is going to be it. That I'm going to be floating relentlessly through this space we call 'time.' Dr. Thurman told me that we are
all just doing exactly that; floating through time without any control over it. I don't believe her, not by a long shot. But so it goes- She'll never listen, sometimes I think nobody will.

Thought 2.

Today I had the wonderful opportunity to offer comfort to a prisoner of the Chamber. How they can enjoy being in there is beyond me. But I suppose it is much like how we enjoy living this tired thing called life. It's all we know. You learn to love the things you can't change. Because why would you spend your entire life hating it? It's pointless to some. It's tiring to others. I just feel it's necessary.

Thought 3.

Doc is really getting to me. She has strengthened my medication, thinking that will help. I think it's funny that the Doctor is more crazy than the Patient. Doesn't matter, I still hide the pills under my tongue and spit them out when she's not looking. One day I'm just going to travel far away and hopefully find something worth saving.

Thought 4.

I followed her. Don't ask me why, I wouldn't be able to answer you. But I followed her right into a bar I would have never gone to. But she was there. It's funny how quickly I got up after she gave me that one look...

I drew her Frank and knew she'd appreciate it. I never even showed Doc what Frank looks like. But now she knows. Her name is Lina. She makes me feel not at all like myself. At first I was scared. But I talked to her and she understood. I mean I hope she did. I got really comfortable really quickly. I drew her a rose and left. I don't know why I did that. Why I left, anyway...

Thought 5.

A long "vacation". That is what the good Doctor is telling me it would be. Wouldn't that be something if I actually signed myself over to a confinement known as a "hospital". I don't get why they give it that name, hospitals are supposed to heal you. Good thing I'm old enough to sign my own prison papers.

We went to the beach. Everytime I have a harsh thought I think of it. It wasn't the typical sunny day at the beach either. I looked up at the sky and saw the green clouds smiling with me. It was beautiful.

Thought 6.

I drempt of a river. A river full of blood and bones. The bones flowed down as I tried not to fall in. Flames were the leafs in the trees and the bark was hot lava. It didn't make sense to me. The last thing I saw before I woke up were a pair of wings and a large, shiny black beak.

Thought 7.

I hate thinking. It's pointless to me. I wish I could just do certain things...Just do them without thinking. I almost did. I almost did something that would have really made me happy. But thought came over me as it does with any human. We think too much. All we do is think and that makes us miss out on so many opportunities to see what we were blind to. I want to get there. I want the thoughts to trip over tongue and drip away as I blaze in eternal euphoria. To see the flame is not to be the flame itself but merely the wick, even if that means you burn to see it.

Thought 8.

It was the feeling you get when you rest your head after you've been on a rollercoaster for the 5th time. That sort of comfort you get when a cool breeze blows across your forehead when you have a fever. I wanted to stay really.

Frank hasn't bothered me yet, not since that day. That's good, that means that maybe, finally I'm better. Maybe I can sit back and enjoy beauty and touch without the fear of it all raining away in one chaotic storm.

Thought 9.

It happened just like a rainstorm would. First you see the clouds coming then the rain pours in. It was a beautiful rain, though. Doc asked me what I did during the weekend. I just smiled and said that I drew. I'm a horrible liar. There are some things she doesn't need to know. Next thing she'll do is prescribe me medication for being a nympho. Wouldn't that be funny? Good thing I didn't tell her that I stopped taking my pills. I don't know how she would take that.

I don't know what I should say to her. What I should be doing. Relationships aren't for me because I could never handle the responsibility. At least that's what Gretchen said. I agree. You have to work so hard when you're in a relationship that soon you become a moldable person. One that time molds and bends and soon you're all contorted with no clue as to how you can get yourself out. Boredom with life calls and you're stuck there. Forever in your painful position with only apathy as your only friend. I refuse to hurt her like that, I refuse to be 'that guy' that she give it to who never calls and never gives any indication of coming back. I'm not that guy. Truth is, though, she would be a lot happier without me. Without my broken thoughts and distorted views and all the baggage I have from my last flight out of realism.

Thought 10.

I feel like a buoy right before a storm. Thousands of waves hit me each time I get a chance to speak. My head sways and bends endlessly in seas of troubles as I try to gather my thoughts. I am not well. They increased my medication, I can tell. I see Frank on a daily basis. Which is fine because I get a bit lonely. But sometimes I wish that he would just go away... I just bob there, nobody around me as I spin off into a deep dark void saying over and over again , 'I am not well, I am not well...'

Thought 11.

Haven't seen her in awhile. Actually it has felt like years. A part of me wishes I could go back and change a lot, or maybe just certain things. I didn't tell Doc she left me, I couldn't. Next thing I'll know they'll put me on anti-depressants. As if I'm not medicated enough. Then again...It has felt like years since I took my pills as well. Thoughts like that make me smile. They make me just close my eyes and realize that this world isn't supposed to be as fucked up as it is. I don't know. Makes me wonder I guess...

Thought 12.

Another glorious evening sitting alone in The Chambers. It was good to get away. Even though I've been getting away for about a week now. Time seems to go slow when I want it to speed up. I hate time.

Thought 13.

After about two weeks I have finally met somebody. Ezzy is her name. She's a slave but really isn't in my opinion. She invited me to dinner. I guess she thought I looked sickly. -smiles- Who knows. The food was great, the best food I've ever had. She seems so down to earth. Which is ironic because she looks like an angel.

Thought 14.

I haven't seen her tonight. Which is okay because I don't think last night was going to be the last time I see her. I want to see her again so badly that I'll do anything. Listen to me, I almost sound normal. Ha. She's different than anyone IK have ever met. She makes me feel like nothing is wrong with me. She talks to me like I'm another person. She doesn't try to advise me on anything or remind me that I'm not all okay. Spending time with her makes me see the beauty in the world. It makes me feel like...Well I don't know. I've never felt like this before.

Thought 15.

I finally saw Ezzy again. It felt like ages waiting to see her. But when I looked at her, it was all worth the wait. I was pretty much tricked into a "party" by one of her slaves. Needless to say, we were both happy that her slave did that. Wine and a bit of whiskey was the meal of choice. We did munch on leftovers in between. After a very short game we..Well I can't exactly say what happened but it was mindblowing. As time continued all I kept thinking was "why do I have all the luck to be with her? Why did she choose me out of all the knights and royals. Why me?" Of course that was before waves crashed into me again. And I fell. Hard. It took me awhile but I told her. I told her and now we have each other. Those words look so alien to me. We have each other. I love it. As I love her.

Thought 16.

Been a long time since I've been able to see her. My thoughts got so bad and confusing that I -requested- to see my Doctor. If that's not bad enough, I asked for her advice to. Things are getting out of hand. I can't control what I'm feeling. I know she had a life prior to me. But I have a feeling she isn't done with what happened in the past. I'm a fool. As if I'm one to talk.

Thought 17.

I got to speak with Lina. That was something. I got to tell her things that I have been keeping inside me. I hope she knows how much I care for her, even if we are just friends. Sometimes I wish I could tell her the things she wants to hear but I couldn't do that to her or to Ezzy or to me. I guess I can't be a superhero all the time.

Thought 18.

I had doubts, big ones. Ones that made me feel like I wasn't a part of the equation. That all went away with one moment. It was a moment that will forever be in my head. Dr. Thurman said I shouldn't go into anything too fast, that I may be rushing into the situation without telling Ezzy about me. But she loves me. I heard it. Maybe it's false if she doesn't know a lot about me. I don't know a lot about her. Maybe this is all wrong. Or maybe we are supposed to work through it. Who knows? The facts are that she loves me and I love her. And love...Is supposed to be the strongest thing in the world...Right?

Thought 19.

A lot has happened since then. I saw Ezzy briefly but haven't seen her since. It's funny, though, I'm not as lonely as I should be. Who knows what that translates to. I guess I could either be very happy or...Who knows.
Now I'm a guardian. Which is odd because it has been a very long time since I offered it. Quite the odd feeling. Being responsible for guarding somebody. Makes me feel indestructable almost. We'll see...

Thought 20.

It has been a long time since I've seen her. I'm wondering if she left me. I'm wondering if we're still together? I know abandoment lies in her past but, I figured she'd want to leave it behind. Things aren't right..In my mind. I think I'll just go now, hopefully talk with some old friends...Well one of them.

Thought 21.

It's a good thing that I have been cast out again. I was afraid that my overwhelming gloom would somehow dim her world and...Well, I care for her yes, but now it's more..Simple. Yes, that's it.
We knew what we were getting into yet we ignored the signs. Guess that's all you can do when you don't want to know any better.
So I'm sitting here, in the Chambers again. Everyone thought I was moving. That's funny. Back to square one...

Thought 22.

Dr. Thurman told me that the only way I can be a part of the world is to go out and meet people. I think that is classic bullshit. Sometimes I don't think she knows what she's talking about. I saw Ezzy last week. That was an interesting. Haven't seen her in a long time. We picked up right where we left off. But somehow I think she forgot that we broke up. Funny how some people just black out the bad. Though, I really thought, for her, it would be the good.
I think it is, to be honest. I'm everywhere, all the time. I change so much it isn't fair for her. I don't think she understands why I leave for so long. It's because they find me. Nevermind, god why am I writing in here like it's a fucking conversation? Fuck, it's stupid...

Thought 23.

I sat down and watching everybody walk past me. It was quite the experience. I wish I had a destination like those people do. It isn't right for me to just...Sit. But right where I thought I was phasing out of the world, somebody noticed and said hello. I didn't catch her name. It only lasted for about a moment but she saved me. Maybe if I sit there again, I'll see her. Fuck knows that's all I can do for now.

Thought 24.

I feel a lot better now. Dr. Thurman said it will help me think clearer. Sometimes I think she is lying because it has been weeks since I could draw something. Yesterday I tried forcing myself but the picture wasn't what I wanted it to be. It was all irratic, not planned. Sometimes I don't like what this medication is doing to me. But if it means I'm normal then I guess I have no reason to complain.
Still no sign...

Thought 25.

Today was a good day i guess. I was able to get out for awhile and take a walk by the lake. It's something I haven't been able to do. I found an old memopad of mine behind my parent's headboard of their bed. They tried hiding it from me. At first I was scared to look inside. And to be honest, the images scared me as well. But then I calmed down and it was like looking into the mirror after spending a lifetime being blind. It has been ages since I've seen Frank and to be honest, I miss him. At least I had direction. Now it seems as though I have my parents and my doctors thinking for me and it all amounts up until I'm about ready to burst. So here I am, sitting alone in the one place I first felt comfort. I doubt I'll see anyone I know. It has been too long. And I can't blame them. I wouldn't wait either. Plus, I know I changed. That pirate Jack said so. he said "ahh so it looks like they got you anyway.." Yes, I guess they did. And the more I think about it, the more I want to break open this cage they put me in. But i'm afraid of what that means. I'm afraid that means that I really am crazy and that I'm meant to stay medicated and locked up, away from the world.

Thought 26.

i read the last entries over and over again until i had to laugh.
I was pretty gone, wasn't i? in a way i still am...But it's different.
I went to a place I saw in my dreams. I forget everyone, everything that was ever good in my life. Everything they extracted from me, I got back. And it started with a pair of wings...I recognized her, from a drawing that I apparently did. I think I drew it because I knew what they were going to do...I wanted a reminder of how beautiful the world can be. Then I found her. And she woke me up and brought me back. Warmed me until I was me again. My memory still has holes in it, but I'm learning to remember. Reading these entries have helped me. So has she. I can't believe that I would leave her...That is if I did. Christ, my mind is going in every which way and it's hard to focus...
But I'm back, at least mostly. And I intend to relearn what it is to love. That is, if she can forgive me..

Thought 27.

Christ, it's been so long since the last entry. I feel like I neglected this half of me. haha. What can I say? I'm a new person now. I'm no longer afraid, I'm ready to take on anything. It's very weird. Of course, I barely remember my past when I was scared out of my mind. Reading these entries do a fair job of reminding me. Almost to a point where I can't read them. In part because I don't want to slip into what I was before. At least now I can recognize the different sides of me. I have Ezzy to thank for that. I don't think she realizes just how much she has helped me, just by keeping her faith in me. Even when I pushed her away she was persistant. I love her. I really really do. And it excites and shakes me to the core to think that I'm going to be a father eventually. I don't know when that will happen, but I know that I will offer my life if it meant protecting my family. And I will never leave Ezzy's side for as long as I live. I'll be there for her just as she was there for me. Ezzy, MY angel, I love you ;)

Thought 28.

I finally did it. I have never been so sure of something in my life. I bought the ring and at the same time I put her initial on my heart so she'd always know...
You should have seen her, though. It was hard for me to keep my cool, I'll admit. But those fearful tears turned into happy ones and now I feel like jumping out of my own skin. God, I'm so lucky to have her. How did I find her? How on earth did we find each other? Fate, that's what it's called. And we, baby, are the definition.

Thought 29.

It has been awhile since I've been able to spend time with her. But I'll see her soon. What else...Ahh yes, somebody else tried to break us up again. I shouldn't even say tried because it's damn near impossible to do such a thing. Yep, she's stuck with me.

Thought 30.

Ahh, yes. Just like old times really. I like the silence and solitude. Almost too much. Yesterday I ventured to The Golden Tether and had a bit of whiskey there. After determining that it was say too crowded, I turned around and headed back to my lovely corner in The Chamber. I started to sketch. Drawing. The lines connecting then disconnecting. So many lines...
My head began to fuzz, my vision deepening the lines. Making them burn through the page. I would have lost it all if it weren't for my friend Killing waking me up. We chatted a bit, but then she had to go. I opened my sketchpad when she wasn't looking and- He stared back at me. The empty eyes, the skeleton smile. The long, crooked bunny ears...

Thought 31.

The nights are getting longer for me. Which is ironic because daylight savings time just passed. Work seems to be neverending, and very fruitless. At the end of the day I feel drained, void of any sort of ambition to have fun. And when I do have a day off I often just want to sleep. I have aged 30 years in the past 6 months and I have no way of stopping it. My evenings now normally consist of me sitting in a darkened room, sketching, the feeling tries to creep in once more. Maddening my every sense as I try to fight off what I once was. It only stops when the dawn burns my eyes out.

Thought 32.

I can't control him now. He's too strong. I tried...Ezzy I tried...

Thought 33.

Well look here...Donald has been holding out on me. A journal! Oh the thoughts he had prior to me...Hilarious! Why the hell was he mumbling about time travel for? Nevermind the giant bunny rabbit...That's just...Crazy! Haha! Aww...And the entries about Ezmerelda. Well! I can say from experience that she is not as nice as he paints her out to be. To all who are concerned (and if you are, I pity you) Donald is doing quite fine...We are both quite happy with how things are going. And do not think for one second that I'm leaving. I think I made quite a lovely home here. And I know all are slowly warming up to the new Donnie Darko. Afterall, nothing makes a woman's heart beat faster than a badass.

Thought 34.

What has happened to me? Could this have possibly been my journal? Who am I? Betrayal and rage is all I feel. They don't know where I am. They won't know until Dr. Thurman sees her office door window smashed...Her desk raided. I knew I FUCKING KNEW. I knew I had something, like I could sense something. Something wonderful. Like I could feel the Time just sway and shake. Slow and quicken. They said I was normal, that everyone gets these crazy thoughts from time to time. She was lying, they are all liars. Who am I kidding... I talk a mean talk, but I still take the damn meds...Maybe because I am a bit scared of myself. Now reading what I was. I don't want to go back. I stopped taking my medication for a day, just to see what changes there may be. I felt myself get so angry so quickly. Now reading this...I'm afraid whoever I was is trying to get out. So I'm taking the meds...But I only have about three days worth left, and I can't go back there...

Thought 35.

There is someone I kept writing about. 'Ezmerelda.' I think her name is...Yes. I must have liked her a lot to keep mentioning her. I even drew her picture... She looks like an angel. Perhaps she was, to me...If I was as crazy as they say...Then maybe she really was an angel. And I hoped she was real. Maybe I wanted to be protected, guarded...Cared for. But there's something that doesn't fit with that story. My scar. It's in the shape of an E. And It's over my heart...

Thought 36.

She is real. I couldn't believe it when I saw her. She's real. And I remember... I remember the ring. What it says on the band. And I know what it means. Slowly, very slowly I'm remembering. She's helping me to remember, though she doesn't know it yet. She really is an angel. The woman who I once loved so intensely that I gave her a promise which she now wears around her neck. The woman who I loved so intensely that my mind refuses to dismiss her memory as everything else fades to black.

Thought 37.

My memory...It's all blurred. It's like being farsighted. I can't see the details in things, but I can see the bigger pictures. Like... I remember how angry I used to be at the world, but I can't remember writing about it. I can't remember the thoughts I had. I can only read what's here and hopefully make some sense with it. It's funny, I can't really remember anyone. Though I can make out a few memories... They all have her in it. There's one that is so vivid, I can relive it perfectly in my head. It was a fight between us. Though it wasn't me. Well, not mentally, if that makes sense. She wasn't herself either. We fought. I remember blood... My chest...The scar that's there....It was like I was trying to hide something from myself....Like whoever I was, didn't want the real me to remember. I just get so angry, trying to figure this whole thing out. Trying to piece what little I have left of my mind. I'm so alone in this. But I think....She can help me. She's the only one I remember. Her face is familiar to me....And though she might hate me for whatever reason, I need to know why.

Thought 38.

I ran. I didn't want them to know where I was going. I've been on my own now for a week. Living under trees and getting by on bread and water. Dismal as it may sound, I've never been happier. Nature takes a new form when it's your only companion. I don't know how far I intend to go. I just keep walking in hopes that I'll finally leave my past far, far behind me.

Thought 39.

Two weeks now. I found a little Inn. I was hoping to just stay inside until the storm let up, but my body refused to go further. Then, a blanket and food were brought to me. As well as a key to a room. I don't know who did it, but I don't think I'd ever be able to pay them back.

Thought 40.

Ez. Ezzy. She was the one who saved me last night and she didn't even know it. I probably look like hell by now. I know the beard I have doesn't make me look normal. I wonder...If she knows. If she feels anything when she looks at me. There was a moment....She looked at me and I sear to you now, I knew she saw me. Then I made my way up to my room. I finally read the report Thurman wrote on me. I remember that bitch telling me that Ez wasn't real. That she was just a way of me coping with the loss of my little sister. I always thought that to be odd. I lost Sam years ago...Why would I start grieving now? Words cannot describe how unbelievably angry I am. I have so much hate for Thurman that I wish I was back home just so I could do something. Just to remind her of all the memories she denied me for so long... All the experiences I had... She said they never happened. And I fucking believed it. I'll never forgive myself for believing her, of all people. But especially because it was because of her that I lost who I loved the most. I lost her. For so long I was told she was just a dream, my mind's hope and wish. But now here I am. And just a wall seperates me and Ezzy. My Ezzy. And I know best, that walls are meant to be torn down. And they will never keep us apart again.

Thought 41.

Here I sit in a place that used to be very familiar to me. I haven't seen her in about two months. Perhaps this is karma, wanting to punish me for what I did in the past. I'm losing my mind. Just when we were reunited, she's called away from me. It isn't fair. It's torture. I have a couple of friends that do their best to keep me sane. But... How much longer can I hold on? It seems to me like fate just doesn't want us together. Maybe it's about time we got the message. I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. My head is once again flooded with too much thought. If she was just here... It would be better for me. It would take it all away. We can't keep doing this to each other. But I'll wait, because I know that is exactly what she would do for me...

Thought 42.

A friend of mine has found herself in love, it seems. I would very much like to be happy for her. But it seems in the place of compliment, sarcasm takes hold. I shouldn't feel bitterly towards those who have found happiness. It isn't very fair to them. Oh Ez, we're fighting an uphill battle. And I know that I said I would stay until the end... But it's killing me. I'm losing it. My friends want me to smile more. They don't understand. Anything. An old friend of mine actually suggested that I should move on. Now I know how you felt. Torn between your own mental health and your love. I should have never put you through that. I should have never made you love me. It's ripping us in two, it really is. And though I would love to say that I'll stay strong... There's something here that is threatening to overtake me. I have never felt it before. At least I don't think I have. It's like a snarling, dark demon that smiles everytime I break down... And grows stronger everytime I say I'm about to lose it.

Thought 43.

And so starts the decline. I'm letting go of it all. I don't have the strength to keep fighting. Soon it will all be over and I'll finally be able to rest my head. Rest my mind. Thoughts keep buzzing in and out, all day. Most of them are not mine at all. I don't understand. I know I'm changing, it is inevitable. If she should find me in a state where I am not myself, I pray that she'll do me the service of killing me off. Death will taste so sweet if she were the one to deliver it.

Thought 44.

There. She isn't here anymore. I don't feel sad. Numb, seems to fit perfectly. I have no idea where she is or who she's with. Nor do I care. The side of me that has urging me to do this is making the pain go away. It is as if he wants me to let go. And I did. And I feel... Relieved that the worry is gone. That the rejection has subsided. I'll be alright now, just got to keep listening to that voice...

Thought 45.

It's been so long since I've seen her face that I almost can't remember it. How is this fair? It's like somebody somewhere is playing a cruel joke on me and I have no way of defending myself. I don't really talk to anyone anymore. Not even Alanna can save me now. She tries to cheer me up, but the poor girl doesn't know the half of it. The bar has become a haven for me, and I now know all the tenders on duty along with the waitstaff. They think I'm losing it. And I know they're just waiting for the day where I don't show up again. Maybe that will be soon. I am what somebody would look like if they let their broken heart kill off the rest of them.

Thought 46.

I'm writing on a ship, so don't mind the half assed handwriting. How did I get here? Well sometimes you get so pissed at your current situation that you go to drastic measures to change it. I don't know where I'm going. It could be the other side of the world for all I know. And I should be happy. I really should. Watching that island I called home for the past years disapear should have brought happiness to me. But why... Why am I plagued with this overwhelming feeling of sadness? I suppose I know the answer, but I will never admit it. It's pointless.

Thought 47.

I woke up abruptly to the sound of the ship bell. I probably didn't get more than an hour of sleep. But that's okay. I'm on a tiny island now, and I found the most charming Inn I've ever seen. But more importantly, the Innkeeper has been kind enough to feed me and let me bathe. I'm surprised I didn't scare her off. I know I've seen better days so the fact that she looked past that is truly mind boggling. She's nice. More than nice, actually. I don't, really know her name. I just nicknamed her 'Angel'. Her name for me is 'Sailor.' I guess it's silly. But it's fun. I offered my help in exchange for room and possibly food. She seemed excited about it. I could never fully repay her. Never. I know she thinks she's just giving me a roof over my head. But she'll never know she brought this man back from the dead.

Thought 48.

I don't....

I can't even begin to describe what is going through my head right now. More importantly my heart. Part of it is denial, the other part is such an overwhelming feeling it makes it hard to even write. I never stopped believing. Maybe a part of me needed her to be alive. Maybe I knew somehow I would see her again. In this life, or the next. For some reason I already knew. The way she smiled, the way she danced... I knew. And I probably wouldn't have believed it, figuring it was just my stupid mind playing tricks on me again. But her friend spoke that name, and she responded. Angel... Ezzy... I love you.

Thought 49.

She doesn't remember me. And I found out that she used to take those damn pills. I can only blame it on one person. And when I find that bitch... I swear... But for now, I'm going to be here for Ezzy. She's my world now. And if she doesn't remember me at all, I'll still stay by her side. I can't imagine anywhere else I would be.